Journal #4 Chapters: 10-12 Perspective: Mrs. Dubose

I’m pretty sure that my body is almost free of the toxins that I’ve been poisoning myself with for many years. I wish the doctors would have never prescribed morphine. I wish I just would have suffered the little bit of pain and I wouldn’t have to go through this horrible pain trying to get this drug out of my system. I hate it when I go into my spells. It’s like I can feel what’s going on but I can’t control it and its embarrassing having Jesse see me like that. I know she’s nothing but a nigger but still she might go back home and tell all of her nigger friends about what I look like. After I’m done with my spells, there’s always so much drool all over my face. The pain is so horrible every day, I have unbearable pains in my stomach, I constantly throw up, and I feel so weak. The only thing that keeps me from picking up that pill bottle and popping a couple in my mouth is the fact that I will be able to die with pride knowing that I didn’t die a drug addict. I know that these drugs are the perilous things that are causing me to die anyways. Another thing is I’m not going to die lonely. That snot nosed brat of a little kid, Jem, tore up my whole entire yard along with the flowers I love the most. I tried not to get mad because I knew that father of his would make him pay for it. Atticus is such a bad dad and probably won’t even lick’em for this but oh don’t get me wrong he did have to pay. Jem ended up coming to my house that very night and told me that he would work on my yard and apologized. I could tell he didn’t really mean it but that’s okay at least it came out of his mouth that enough was punishment for him. I told him that I wanted him to read to me every day for two hours for a month and I knew he wanted to contradict my wishes but that dad of his sure would make him. That was until I was supposed to die and would keep me from dieing lonely like I have been half of my life. The truth is, I’ve always liked Jem I know that he is a truly nice child and I just haven’t given him the chance to show that to me. The fact is that both of those kids mind their dad without him ever having to lay a hand on them even thought they might find him Another thing is I’m not going to die lonely. That snot nosed brat of a little kid, Jem, tore up my whole entire yard along with the flowers I love the most. I tried not to get mad because I knew that father of his would make him pay for it. Atticus is such a bad dad and probably won’t even lick’em for this but oh don’t get me wrong he did have to pay. Jem ended up coming to my house that very night and told me that he would work on my yard and apologized. I could tell he didn’t really mean it but that’s okay at least it came out of his mouth that enough was punishment for him. I told him that I wanted him to read to me every day for two hours for a month and I knew he wanted to contradict my wishes but that dad of his sure would make him. That was until I was supposed to die and would keep me from dieing lonely like I have been half of my life. The truth is, I've always liked Jem I know that he is a truly nice child and I just haven’t given him the chance to show that to me. The fact is that both of those kids mind their dad without him ever having to lay a hand on them even thought they might find him cantankerous. The inconspicuous only reason why I’m never nice to kids is because when I was a kid myself, I was abandoned by my parents and thrown on the streets. Finally someone found me and allowed me to live with her and her husband. They had two kids, one that was one of my contemporaries and one a couple years older than me. The kids did not like me for some odd reason and would always set me up and make it seem like I was doing bad things when it was really them. Finally the parents were fed up and through me out of their house and ever since then, I vowed not to like kids and to always make them feel as those two kids in the house made me feel.